Super Retard Attack: ideas from the crackpot
by prototype gear
Summary: All it takes is one bad day for a guy to die. Turns out that wizard was right. Death is the next great adventure. From the station of Awakening, to the world of fire emblem, a lone man adventure's forth. is it for gold? Glory? Or the spirit of discovery? No one knows. All that they will say is that he dressed like a douche and had style. FE self insert.


**Hey guys! just decided to do something new. i'm taking a break from my other stories to focus on some of my other ones. i won't be touching goddess's son for the next two months. i'm going to try and work on red swordsman an some of my other stuff. in the meantime here's soemthing i've been wanting to do for a long time. a FE self insert. i'm just doing this for some plain fun. hate it? tell me all about it! like it? tell me all about it? confused? that happens a lot with my stories. just sit down, and enjoy this read.**

 **Super Retard Attack! It's motherfucking SUPER EFFECTIVE! Otherwise known as ideas from the crackpot.**

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You want to know what the worst part of living is? It's what comes after. Death is a bitch, ain't no way of going about it. It frigging sucks. And if marvel comics are real, then she's also smokin' hot. Unless she's with Thanos, when that happens she's a gothic loli. Not even joking right there. The fuck Thanos? You court death and make her a loli when your what, a super powerful alien thing? Ya know I'm not that knowledgeable of marvel comics now that I think about it…maybe the guy had a fetish or something?

I'm getting off topic…fucking ADHD. One minute I'll be talking and then-hey my hand itches!

…that.

Yeah, I have problems. And let's not get into my procrastination habit. Please.

Anyway…where was I? Ah, yes. Death, the thing that comes after living. Well actually it comes after crippling college debt, moving out to your grandparents when you have nowhere to go way out in the boonies, and then when you take an afternoon stroll in the woods you get **fucking gutting by a goddamn boar**.

Yeah I'm mad. I wanted to die by my own hand ya know? The plan was to strap a bunch of explosives on my body when I was old and wrinkly, and suffering from old people memory loss, and then jump off a cliff while giving the world the finger, and then blow myself up. It would be glorious, awesome, fun, and make my Deidara impersonation believable. But no! Nature decided to say 'fuck you!' and kill me in the most humiliating fashion possible.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have had my earphones plugged in when I was walking around in the woods. Would make approaching animals easier to hear. I mean, there were twigs and leaves everywhere, I would have been able to hear it running and probably get out of the way if I wasn't listening to Tenacious D…

But that's all in the past, and this is the present.

Just me.

And this eternal abyss.

That just doesn't ever fucking end.

You want to know the worst part about falling through an eternal abyss? Well, it happens to be the fact that the only thing in here is gravity. There's no light. I can't see my hand, my body or anything. There's no air either, so no billowing wind was slapping my face like an ex out for blood. Just me, falling…or is it floating? I mean, I'm not alone here.

You see, as I've been 'falling down' I've been noticing faint glimmers of light. Like tiny little stars that are just outside my reach by fucking miles. Its perplexing to say the least, but it kinda reassures me that this may hopefully, somewhat likely, aint the pathway to hell. Because…that would kinda suck. I mean, yeah I 'gave up on god' but can you blame me? The dude is a total asshole in the old testament, and he's not that much better in the new. Sorry if I offended anyway, but thats just the way I see things.

But seriously, I may have been a complete and utter doucenozzel when I was alive, but I never did anything bad. Never robbed a store, didn't kill anyone (at least I don't think I did), and I never committed adultery…or any crap like that.

Please don't let this be fucking purgatory...god that would suck. Huh…what's that in the distance?

It looks like a stain glass window…of me?

What the actual fuck. Seriously? This is where I'm going to spend the rest of eternity? On a stain glass representation of myself? What is this supposed to be? My soul? My ego? Now that I mention that glass window me looks damn handsome. I mean, luck of the Irish boya. That beard on me? Pure Irish red. The sideburns? Fucking glorious. Don't gut a mustache, the beard speaks for itself. Was kind of an early bloomer, began getting facial hair by the time I was sixteen.

Let's see here…ocean blue background, favorite color right there. Me blond hair is curly and long enough to reach the bottom of my neck, god I miss that hair. Just before I died I had a haircut. Seeing me with those glorious golden locks…ah, it brings a tear to my eye. Checkerboard fedora in black and red sitting on top of that handsome face, one hand holding it down while me face is smirking.

Would always pose like that. It just felt natural. And I'm wearing that black coat that stopped at my hips. That motherfucker had sixteen pockets! SIXTEEN! Do you have any idea just how much shit I could carry on me while wearing that coat!? I was the goddamn school armory! Notecards, folded up spare paper, both blank and lined, pencils and pens galore, pocket change up the wazoo, I had everything. I was **prepared** for war, at all times.

The coat itself was black, two pockets around the upper chest area that were parallel and symmetrical for the thing. To near the bottom that I could slip my hands into. Those four are on the outside, the inside had eight more pockets. I could make it look like I was pulling out a gun or something with the way it was set up.

Now lets look at the rest now…oh, it put me in those pants and boots huh? Black pants that went past my ankles and almost graced the floor whenever I wore them. And them boots…black leather boots that went past my ankles by a good few inches. I think it was six inches? Whatever, combine all those things with my six foot two height and I looked damn sexy. Don't care what everyone else says about me looking like a twig, I was the motherfucking beast!

Now what was that that was in my other hand…? A decorative sword or something? Whatever it looked fancy and had red and green jewels strewn about the handle guard. The pommel of the thing had a wicked looking sapphire in it. But that red and green though…I like Christmas just as much as the next guy but really? Am I over thinking things or something here?

The blade was slightly wide, and longer than my leg. So about a good three feet of solid steel…or iron. Damn that thing must be heavy. It kinda looked like I was floating and leaning back at the same time, with my legs slightly bent and not touching the ground. Behind me was a stain glass representation of the mountains. Blue skies, white clouds, and green mountains.

Ah, good ol' north Carolina. Beautiful place. Mountains, chill air, and a good place to spend time with family. Shame I died. But hey, death's just the next great adventure so suck it up missy!

Now, at this point I had noticed that I was slowing down and that I could feel actual air in the…air again. This would continue on until eventually I would land on the stain glass representation of me. And now…I was just standing around, doing nothing.

Okay, I have no idea what to do. Seriously, is this it?

Wow, the afterlife freaking sucks.

 _So much to do…so little time._

 **HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M HEARING GOD!**

The voice is bloody deep! I'm talking low D note kind of deep on a trombone. Get low when the whistle go buddy! Goddamn. Honestly I froze up, body stiffing and everything.

 _Don't be afraid, take your time._

Uh…okay, whatever god. I…don't know how to really describe this experience. Its at least better than just falling for eternity with only my thoughts for company. But this is really freaking vague. What was god talking about? Or was it really god and not just some random disembodied voice that was haunting me now that I was dead? Eh, fuck it. I'mma gonna call it the voice. Nice and simple, just the way momma woulda liked it. The bitch.

 _Now lets see here…can you walk? Move forward a bit, just enough to show your skill in motor functions is adequate._

Did I hear a bit of patronization in the voice's tone? Smarmy bastard. I'll show him motor functions. Motherfucker better be awed when I did the Russian Cossack.

Because that was what I did.

The Russian Cossack.

It's what I did.

Motherfucker be owned by my skills.

 _Good good, yes. Amazing and absolutely outstanding. Now, let's see how you use all your muscles. After a child learns to walk, he must learn to run. Stretch your muscles, run and jump about to your hearts content._

Well you haven't asked me to do anything too crazy god. Sure, why the hell not? So I went about and moved like I was in the matrix or something.

And immediately noticed something was off. It wasn't anything bad; in fact it was just the opposite. When I started to run around, my body moved way faster than when I was alive. Perks of being dead I guess? But no, it didn't stop there. I started doing flips just for shits and giggles. I wasn't alive so I couldn't feel pain anymore right?

I was like a goddamn karate master, my body was automatically responding to what I wanted to do, even though I had never done anything athletic in my life. I wanted to do a flip, my body did three in a row, hands touching the ground and continuing on because of momentum and surprise. At one point I decided to test the extents of what being dead allowed by body to do, so I did a handstand…with one arm.

I counted to three minutes and my arm didn't even get tired. I was like motherfucking batman! Except without the whole…you know, "My parents are deeeeaaaad!" thing going on. The next thing that surprised me was the simple fact that I could jump _eight fucking feet in the air!_

Holy shit! I started to just screw around after that. Jumpin' around and doing random poses for shits in giggles in the air. Finally, I decided to head back to the center…

That was when things got freaky. The moment I took center stage the entire place shook for like three seconds, and then these small alters with various objects floatin' above them rose from the glass platform. It kinda looked like they just clipped through and whoever was organizing this thing was too damn lazy to have them appear in a more fancy way.

 _Power sleeps within you. Now go on and choose a path to follow. Be careful and wise in your choices, it will affect you for the rest of your journey._

…Okay. I am officially in the twilight zone. I will reiterate: what the fuck is going on!? Seriously!? I'm going to have to do this shit? Am I being handpicked for some shit or something!?

Well, whatever. I went ahead and walked to the altar thingy that was closest to me. The thing was like a cube, with the bottom part spreading out. Intricate writing was carved into its white stone, however the nature of the characters eluded me. Didn't look Celtic in origin, Greek, or even Egyptian. Honesty it just looked like squiggles.

That's what I'mma gonna call them now. It was written in squiggles. I'm a freaking genius. Anyway the thing floating over the white stone alter was a knife. A weird looking one of I ever saw one. But it was certainly sharp and lethal, if the jagged edge and the strange liquid dripping off of it were any indication. I grabbed it for some reason and began to examine it.

 _The power of the thief, the deceivers most prized possession, he who bears this knife fears neither shadows, nor evil._

That…certainly wasn't ominous. I put the knife back onto the altar and moved on to the next. That didn't describe me. I got the feeling that this was some sort of test…a personality test. But sticking to the shadows and hiding all cloak'n'dagger…that just ain't me.

I moved onto the next altar. This one had a really freaking huge book floating above it, open and somehow…looking eager to be read? Okay that is just creepy. I took one look at the writing and immediately grabbed my sexy head. That shit was like mathematical equations…written in some forgotten language from the beginnings of the earth. Yet still, I was compelled to pick it up for some reason.

 _The power of the sage, archaic wisdom, a book filled with knowledge and maddening power…_

All aboard the nope train straight to fuck-that-shit-ville for me. No way am I touching a book of crazy. That's one life lesson I already learned. Never stick your dick in crazy. You'll regret it, trust me.

Away from the book of insanity and awesome jedi-ness I came across my third alter. This one had a rod with a crystalline…Mickey mouse head? Okay, that is the strangest thing I have seen in all my afterlife experience so far. What could be weirder than this? Bring it on!

I moved forward and picked this one up as well…for some reason. I'm sensing a pattern here…

 _The power of the Mystic, inner strength, a staff of ruin and wonder…_

I got a similar feel to this one as I did the book I just passed. And by feel I mean straight out rejection. This thing in my hands…it was a tool that could do something like Nagasaki and Hiroshima with but the slightest slip up. That kind of power was not safe in my hands. I'm the kind of guy that was upfront, a showoff. I loved attention. But this? This was not something for me, that was for sure.

I put it down gently and moved on. The next altar had something different from the norm so far. It was a pair of swords. Couldn't tell what kind, but they were of medium build. Not too long like a claymore or a zweinder, but definantly not like a tanto or a regular scimitar. They were like a combination of an axe and a sword, a blade with an ax head…an ax head with teeth. I picked them up and they felt comfortable in my hands.

 _The power of the journeyman, a constant struggle, always searching for improvement, but never finding what it is he seeks…_

Huh…that oddly resonated with me a bit. I like that, a never ending journey…but at the same time never achieving what it is they set out for? That's really sad when you think about it. I put the odd swords down, and moved on. A strange sense of melancholy overtaking me in that moment.

That is until I got to the next thing. It was a shield. A large one at that, with a symbol of a roaring lion on the front. I picked it up, and it oddly was incredibly heavy in my hands, and not because of the weight. It was something else. I was oddly reminded of a phrase form I book that I couldn't remember the name of. 'Duty heavier than a mountain. Death as light as a feather.'

It was a simple phrase, but one that carried a lot of meaning.

 _The power of the Guardian, kindness to aid friends, a shield to repel all…_

A shield to defend all eh? Not my cup of tea. I was the guy doin' DPS, my allies were the tanks. Pass on that. Moving on I came across another sword. This one was a lot different from the weird ax swords from a little while ago.

Mainly because it was more like a broadsword than anything else, even with the decorative ruby on the pommel. Of course the sword was still rather intimidating, it seemed to absolutely reek this aura of danger. I tenably approached it and picked it up.

 _The power of the Warrior, invincible courage, a sword of terrible power…_

And like that I put it down. A lot of these had something going for them, and a con to outweigh its pro. The dagger just didn't sit well with me, I got a drug dealer kind of feel from it. The book gave me the hibby-gibby's. The rod outright scared me with what it could do. The shield didn't match up with me at all. And the sword…quite frankly it would take a fool to pick it up. A courageous fool, but a fool nonetheless.

The only one that I felt an inkling of a connection to was the two swords. And even then…do I really want to go on a journey that will end in failure?

I made my choice then and there.

I walked towards the ax swords, the power of the Journeyman. I hesitated for a slight second before grabbing them. This was supposed to be a big deal right? What exactly was I doing? Choosing what would happen to me before I'm reincarnated or something? Am I being reincarnated? What was the whole point of this?

Well, I've come this far. May as well see what else is in store. I put my thoughts from before out of my mind and grabbed the Ax swords. I then held them up and examined them. There were squibbles on these as well, running up the sides of the sharp edges of the swords. The ax part of the sword seemed to change, it began to look like a reflection of a crescent moon. Or that was what the eerie glow reminded me of.

 _Is this the power you desire? Once you choose it there's no going back._

Pretty sure this was what I wanted Mr. Voice. I'd rather go with what feels right to me and not what doesn't fit my hand like a glove. These things already felt nice in my hands. Like a long lost chainsaw that I rarely used because it grandma couldn't keep track of her shit. Antique hoarder.

I honestly didn't know what came over me, but I started to spin them. I knew winterguard would come in handy in life. Although here's a life lesson to learn, flag twirling is entirely different from twirling instruments of badassary and death. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I nicked myself twirling them motherfuckers. But when I looked at my arm there wasn't a cut to be seen. Of course I got to stop playing with them when they went into the air as sparkles of pretty light.

Why that happened I don't know.

 _Your path is set. Now, what will you give up in exchange?_

Ah, I knew there would be a catch. So in order to take one of these things I had to bar myself from one of them? I can deal. This shit is pretty simple…just has a crapton of symbolism I don't care about. Well now, which one disagrees with me the most?

That answer is obvious. To me at least. The power of the Mystic. That shit just gives me a shite vibe. I turned around on the heels of my feet, and walked back towards it's alter. I grabbed it with one hand and chucked that rod of power away from me. Watching with satisfaction at how it fell off the stain glass platform of me.

 _You've chosen the power of the Journeyman. You've given up the power of the Mystic. Is this the form you choose?_

I responded with the greatest surety I could. "Pretty sure I'm set on this path buddy. Ain't no way of going about it any other way." I said with a smirk, giving the image of confidence. In the inside I was crapping my pants. Just what the hell was I getting into.

That was when things got weird. The glass platform dedicated to me began to glow. And that increased until it was too damn bright for me and I had to close my eyes. That was when I felt something odd…it felt cold. Like North Carolina kind of cold, which was oddly nostalgic for me.

Opening my eyes, I was caught off guard by surprise. The place looked exactly like the deck that stood on the second floor of my grandparents house in the mountains. Looking around I realized that I wasn't alone. There were three people standing on deck with me. Although they were people I had never seen before.

The first was this redheaded chick who had her hair in a poofy ponytail that looked oddly good on her. She was wearing this red and yellow outfit that looked kind like a travelers cloak you'd see in a fantasy novel. There was a sapphire pendent hanging around her neck via necklace, and she was using this staff as a cane. At least it looked like a cane. Honestly I was getting more of a tiny child sized staff vibe from it.

The next person, who was leaning against the deck wall, the thing that stops people from falling off, made me think scarface. Because that was honestly what I first thought. The dude had this wicked scar going from the top of his eye, just above the eyebrow, and it trailed down past his chin. Dude was probably cleaved by something there and survived by luck. He was also missing his left eye if his eye patch was anything to go by.

The guy was wearing what looked like…robes? Dark blue robes…and he was carrying a book? Was this guy some kinda wizard or something? If so then he just went up a few notches on my awesome meter.

The third person I honestly couldn't tell whether or not was a guy or a gal. no, wait. Scratch that. Obviously a female. She has boobies. She was wearing a cloak of some kind, black and having these weird eye symbols all over it. Light green hair, kinda like CC from code geass. Although whether or not it was natural or not was the question. These guys gave off a medieval feel.

I started to question my sanity at this point. Again, it needs to be said; what the fuck is going on?

 _Let's find out a bit more about you. These three people will ask you one question. How you answer them will affect your growth as you walk the road you shall tread._

Huh. So it's a game of twenty questions? Well whatever, ladies first! I walked on towards the first lady I saw, the redheaded chick. Hmm…redheads. Feisty lass's they are. I walked up to her, and was about to open my mouth to talk to her, but she beat me to the punch with the line- "What is it that's most important to you?"

Huh. In hindsight I should have expected for these to be philosophical and or personal. I adopted my thinking guise, one hand on my hip, and the other stroking m beard. I kinda thought about it for a bit. I mean, what did I value most when I was alive? Now that I'm dead it kind of seemed a bit pointless…but hey, it's what I wanted when I was alive. Being dead shouldn't change that right?

"To be remembered. To have my name immortalized." I responded. No smartassery here ladies and gentlemen. This was uber serious, so I needed to answer seriously. The redheaded lady blinks her eyes a bit before nodding with that same smile from before.

"That sounds about right." She said. Honestly her voice sounded familiar to me, and I couldn't tell why. Moving on, I went towards the one dude here besides me. Scarface just looks at me blankly before speaking. "What do you fear most?" he asked with a calm voice. It kind of reminded me of Wolverines voice in the cartoons. Gruff, deep, and rough.

"Being a failure." I responded. And it was true. It's one thing to be remembered, it's another to be looked back on as that guy. You know, that doucenozzel that just sucked at everything.

"Is that really so bad?" scarface asked with a raised eyebrow. I stopped from turning towards the third person here to look him in the eye. And then I gave him my best glare that I could for the next few seconds before turning away. Motherfucker better have learned his lesson.

Moving on, I walked up towards the second lady. I couldn't see her face, but I could definantly see her long hair that stuck out from the hood. Again, why green? Is it genetic or something? Eh, it's not like it matters or anything right? Hair color is hair color, just a cosmetic trait of the human body.

"What do you want in life?" she asked. Her voice soft and…rather high pitched. As if she was a teenager in a woman's body kind pitch. It was weird. Again I contemplated what she was asking. Are these questions and choices the deciding factor in what kind of life I'll be living next? Was I even living a new life? Or was I doing to some kind of afterlife based on these questions?

Shrugging my shoulders I replied to the cloaked woman. "To see the world in all its beauty." I said with a blank face.

Sue me, nature's awesome. Despite it killing me via impaling boar, it was still amazing. Waterfalls that take the breath away, mountains and plateaus that rise above the earth. Calming forests where I can stand around and listen to the chirping of birds. Serene lakes, flowing rivers, it's all so amazing to my eyes.

I didn't see her eyes, but I did see the woman smile. No young lady could ever smile like that. That was the smile of a grown woman. I stood back and took in the view around me. The mountains were an amazing sight to see. Way out in the boonies, no technology for miles. This was the beauty of the world at its simplest.

 _Your Adventure begins in the dead of night. Your road won't be easy, but a rising sun awaits your journey's end._

Well that certainly wasn't ominous. Not at all. Christ on a unicycle, what the fuck is up with his cryptic way of talking?

And then everything faded to black, and I found myself staring at the eternal abyss around me. Underneath my feet, once again, was the stain glass depiction of me. Although there were a few things different. The faces of the three people from earlier had their own circular frames that were floating off a little ways away from my floating form.

It looked like they fitted in oddly enough. Like a piece of a puzzle was put in and made the picture complete. Which was kinda weird when I thought about it. Just what was their importance?

 _Now, before we move on and send you on your way, I have one final test for you._

Okay…? What do I have to do this time? Talk to a psychiatrist or something? Give him my favorite color? Talk about the meaning of life? If he asks me that I'm going to tell him what I told everyone else. It's 42 for gods sake! Ain't no way of going about it! It explains everything.

 _Hand-to-hand, the basis of all combat. Before one can pick up the sword one must first learn to fight with his body._

Wait what?

What?

WHAT!?

I have to fight!? Why!? What is the point of this!? Am I going to hell pr something and your trying to prepare me!? Is this hell!?

I didn't have much time to get over my shock, because apparently this guy was impatient as hell. There were three bursts of light, and when those dimmed down, three figures were standing around me at various distances.

They didn't look special or anything. In fact their clothing followed a medieval theme. Dirty, worn down, and in dire need of being sowed. The shirt seemed to be made of cotton and was the color brown. Well tow of them were, the third guy had a green shirt and brown shorts. They all had this blank look to their eyes, kinda like they were soulless.

Huh, maybe I won't need to feel guilty about this. I'm kind of a pacifist kind of guy. But at the same time not really. It is my honest belief that the world was overcrowded when I left it. I mean eight billion people in the world? That's a constant drain on non-replenishable materials. Eventually we would use up all of them. And with the way people relied on them? Yeah that's an apocalypse waiting to happen.

I thought that it would be better that that umber be cut in half. Or at the very least they should have really put a lot more money towards the space program. Seriously, if we could make colonies in outer space then a lot of problems would be solved.

My point is even though I'm skittish around violence that does not mean I will run away from it. There's a reason 'fist' is part of the word pacifist. Seriously, some of the most badass people to ever live were pacifists. Don't make fun of the nonviolent guy. He can be downright freaking terrifying when he wants to be.

One of the brown guy's (not like that! It's the shirt!) suddenly dashed towards me. His fist cocked back and-

Is it me or is that guy really slow? I mean, he's about as fast as a normal guy, if they were kinda muscle-y from working on a farm or something. Pretty soon he was right in front and threw his fist at me, directly at my face.

I reacted like a normally would to a fist being about to punch mah face. I raised my arm to redirect it. Tai-kwon-do lessons came in handy there. I then threw a jab at his throat. And did something break there? Oh wow, now he's on the ground choking. Did I break his neck or something?

I honestly don't know what came over me at this point. I went and just stood over his choking form, and raised my leg…before stomping down on his throat. The dude shattered into thousands of pieces of glowing glass when I did that.

Wow…that was really easy. Should it be that easy? And why don't I feel anything for the guy? I would expect some form of guild or something…but I honestly don't feel anything. That line of thought actually scared me. Was I some kind of psychopath and I never knew it or something? I mean when I was alive I would look at dead animals or butchered little critters killed via truck tire. But those were more curiosity about how the insides of their bodies looked. Not creepy fascination for the dead…

I was broken from my thoughts by the other brown guy. He came charging at me with a war cry. Did I touch a nerve by killing his buddy with what was quite possible a mortal kombat fatility? Whatever, this guy came at me. As slow as the other guy was. This guy tried to grapple me; he made a grab for my stomach. Something I took exception to.

I simply grabbed his arms as they came towards me, allowing me to hold him in place. I then smashed my knee into his face. He reeled back and-wow he's bleeding from the nose. Ouch, I know how that feels. Glad I'm not the poor bastard.

As he held his nose, groaning in pain, I grabbed his head, and threw it down to the ground. Face, meet the floor. He's going to be your best friend for the next few seconds. As he lay there, I took a few steps back. And I had one thought going through my head. What am I doing? What the hell kind of person am I if I'm able to do this so easily?

Well, whatever. This guy came at me, this was what he was going to get. Motherfucker is probably a construct or something. I ran at him and kicked him in the chest as he was getting up. Like the guy before him he shattered into glowing glass. Twinkling in the air before it faded into nothingness. Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I turned towards the last guy.

I saw the last guy of the three, the one in green. Green's legs were kind of spaced out, like he was ready to charge at me. Huh, this one might be different from the other two I brutally killed…still can't get over just how I went and executed that. Was this the power of the Journeyman or something?

As he began to charge at me, I remembered the basics of any fight. Always have a stance ready to intercept or move. So I put both of my curled up fists in front of my face. That's the place you always wanted to protect, besides your man pride. It only takes on good blow to the head to knock you out, so its imperative that you protect it.

So when he got up in my face and tried to punch me there I went for the duck and threw a jab of my own towards his stomach. However, he surprised me by batting away my arm with his left arm, the one he didn't throw his punch with. However, I pressed on and threw another punch, this time he leaned out of the way.

He then tried to knee me in the solar plexus, but I stopped him by putting my hand in his way. He then tried to expand his leg to kick me, but I used both of my hands to grab his leg. Throughout all this his face never changed, it was just a blank, soulless gaze that continued to stare at me.

Now, another rule of fighting. Never overextend yourself. Doing so will give your opponent the chance to grab hold of one of your limbs and grapple with you. Something that I took advantage of by swinging him to the side, making him fall to the ground. I went into action tried to stomp on his face again like I was some kind of vicious serial killer.

And then the fucker moved out of the way via dodge roll. On the plus side, I can safely say that the platform I was standing on was not in fact made of stain glass. I stomped on the ground hard enough to break regular glass. With the enhanced body I apparently had I should have broken the ground, or at the very least made a few cracks in it.

However, I still had the advantage. The guy was still on the ground, and was about to get up. Acting fast a dashed towards him. And when he was on his knees I threw a kick at his crouched form. I know it's dirty to hit a man when he's trying to get up, but quite honestly I have never believed in fighting fair. A mugger in the alleyway is not going to care about whether or not he can stab you politely. He's only going to care about how fast he can stab you, take your money, and get away before the cops show up.

My kick sent the guy flying. Enhanced strength eh? I feel like some kind of mutant from X-Men. The guy went sliding over the platform we were on. And he kept sliding until he almost fell over the edge. I say almost because he managed to grab a hold of the ledge.

Now that just won't do.

I didn't give him the chance to get up and come back at me. I ran over to the edge where he was desperately trying to pull himself up. I didn't give him the chance to say anything; I doubt he saw me when I stood over him. When I got to the ledge I punted him in the face. He fell off the platform, and into the eternal abyss below.

I felt a twinge of guilt when I heard him scream as he fell down. He was a lot tougher than the other two guys. And trading blows with him was kinda…fun? Did I just admit to having fun while trying to kill someone with my bare hands? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I looked at my hands at this point. They weren't shaking or anything else like what I read about people killing for the first time. Huh. I began to look around at this point. When nothing happened I went back and stood in the center of the stain glass platform of me. I noticed that there was a slight difference in the face of the stain glass me.

He was no longer smiling. If anything, my face looked more solemn.

That was disconcerting.

 _It would seem that you are adequate in your martial prowess. Now, let us move on towards armed combat, the more refined form of conflict._

And like that, I felt a weight in my hands. Huh, why didn't those two ax swords pop into my hands in a flash of light like every other flashy thing here? Seriously, if you're going to run a theme at least be consistent with that theme.

Well at least something's are never going to change. In a flash of light a knight in chain mail appeared into existence in the same place that those three guys from before stood. However the knight wore rather heavy looking armor. With wide shoulder plates and a large round chest piece. Steel sabatons that came up to his legs, and gauntlets that wore bulky in shape. It was all topped off by a helmet that liked like a snarling beast.

The dude looked like an armored juggernaut. And an ugly one at that. Granted, knight armor wasn't designed with cosmetics in mind. Its purpose was to protect whoever dons it.

However, the terrifyingly long greatsword resting on its shoulder gave off the image of what I expected a real knight to be. Imposing and intimidating. The thing had to be twice as long as the dude's arm! How was I supposed to take this thing down with these lightweight ax swords!? The dude was practically covered in armor! I would need something heavy and powerful to take him down, something like a hammer.

Huh. Maybe I could disarm him and take him down with his own sword? Nah, it looked too heavy. Although it would be pretty ironic, killing someone with their own weapon. I didn't really have much time to think about what I could do to fight him. The guy hefted his blade off of his shoulder, and held the grip of the sword with both of his hands.

A sword that big would demand nothing short of both hands being used. It was too big to accurately use with one hand, the amount of strength used to actually hold it was one thing. It was an entirely different thing to swing it the way you're supposed to without it falling out of your hands and tumbling to the ground.

The knight charged at me with all the speed it could muster. Which wasn't really much when it was being weighed down by bulky armor and its weapon of choice. I tightened my grip on the weapons in my hands, and I tensed my body in anticipation of the coming skirmish. Here was a guy coming at me with a weapon powerful enough to cleave me in half with one strike. It was bigger than a zweinder, a sword designed to cut horses in twain with a single strike.

It was not elegant, hell it wasn't even refined. But it was practical. And that was all that mattered in a fight. Just how practical you could be, and how pragmatic you could make yourself to be. Survival was all that mattered in the battlefield. You're not fighting to beat the other side, your fighting to survive against the other side. Kill them before they can kill you. It's unpleasant, and downright inhuman. But it's how it works.

He came at me and put pressure on his front leg as it bent, allowing him to swing his sword horizontally at me. I ducked beneath it and moved out of the way. The knight then righted itself and swung his large blade diagonally at me. To avoid I jumped back and was nicked slightly on my collarbone. Goddamn that stings!

The knight took another swing at me, this time a rising diagonal cut. I just barely avoided getting my head cut off by ducking to the side. Lucky me. Throughout all this I kept on looking at the guy, trying to see and think of anything I could do to hit this guy in a soft spot or something. The bastard was relentless, always swinging his sword at me. Dodge, duck, hop back, duck, dodge again. Repeat again and again.

On the plus side, I was still alive. On the down side, I had a couple more nicks and scratches on my body. Damn it, this outfit was bought in a Burlington's coat factory! This thing cost one twenty! I am not getting rid of it because of random blood stains!

The guy was completely armored. Not a single part of his body that wasn't protected in some fashion. However, there were spots where he didn't have as much armor as the rest of his body did. The part connected his shoulder to his elbow only had chainmail on it. As did the parts connected his knees to his lower torso. His neck was another option, but that window was incredibly small.

He surprised me with a sudden kick, hitting me square in the chest. Do you know how much it hurts to be hit by a steel/iron foot? Well let me tell my life lesson that I just learned: don't get hit by an iron sabaton foot. It really, really hurts.

Dazed, but not out. I saw that he was about to stab his blade into the ground, a'la the sword in the stone. I fixed my grip on my swords, because it's a terrible idea to let your weapons fall out of your hands in a fight, and rolled out of the way. His blade stabbed into the mystical stain glass were I was laying just moments before. Imbedding itself into the ground.

Acting quick, I got up and went behind the guy as he tried to pull his weapon out, and swung one of the swords at the back of his chain-mail exposed leg. Surprisingly, the sword cut through the chain-mail like butter. Blood oozed out of the wound as the knight gave a sharp cry of pain, and dropped to one knee.

Huh, well that made things easy. The knight tried to pull his sword out again, but it was still stuck in. I gave a slash with my other sword at his other leg, cutting through the chain-mail and coating my other sword in blood.

The knight fell like a sack of bowling balls, clanging about as it hit the ground. I took a look at my swords for a moment. Examining the blood on the ax parts of the blade. Here I was, breathing heavily while covered in nicks and cuts, bleeding from my small time wounds. And then there was the knight. On the ground trying to get up, but his legs kept on falling him each and every time.

At this point I'm pretty sure I cut something important. Although I'm not sure what it is that cut. Tendons maybe? Nah, I cut through the knee bones that allowed it to bend and move. That's what I was aiming for in the first place.

I then did something that I kept on reading about people doing when they cut something in fantasy books. I flicked the blood off of the blade and gave it a little twirl. I then walked over to the knight on the ground, still futily trying to get up. I put both blades into one hand and held them with one grip. They were like Zuko's sais from avatar, just thin enough to be used as a single sword.

I held it up in the air, and brought it down on the knights chain-mail covered neck. The knights head fell off cleanly, as blood looked out of the decapitated neck and head. I stared at it for a good few seconds before I looked at my blades.

That was…oddly exhilarating. That fight was tough. Any slip up and I would have died…again. What would have happened after that? Nonexistence? Purgatory? Saturday night live?

The blades in my hands went up in a flash of light. And I was disarmed. Not that I felt naked without them. As I just recently witnessed, with or without an object in hand, the human body is a weapon unto itself. Seriously, the stuff I did before the knight guy should have been proof of that.

The area around me slowly began to dim into shadows. And soon enough, I was falling into the abyss again. However, unlike last time, there was something different about this fall. I could see it in the distance. There was a light…wonder what that meant?

New life? The start of my journey as the voice mentioned? Heaven? Hell?

Only one way to find out. I folded my body and speeded down into a dive.

 _And now your journey begins in earnest. Don't be afraid. Although there will be many hardships, there will always be a light at the end of the darkness._

Thanks for the pep talk buddy! Real nice. Yeah, maybe you could have freaking told me where I'm going ya know? That would have been real helpful you cryptic son of a bi-

And then I was out like a light. Motherfucker cut me off!

* * *

Cold. It was really freaking cold wherever I was. Like, hypothermia kind of cold. It's probably a good idea that I get up…any second now. Any minute now…hey, I'm kinda getting sleepy here. A little more nap time would do me we-

I sat ramrod straight. I almost died right there! Never fall asleep in a cold place people, that's when your body shuts down and you die. Totally not a cool way to go out in a new life. I mean, my record before was at least 19 years. If I can't beat that then I must really freaking suck. Be a crying shame that.

I blinked my eyes for a bit, getting them adjusted to the new light. God, the crisp feel of the chilly air…ah, I missed that. Now, where the hell was I?

Looking around, I realized a forest apparently. Huh. Coolio. It was snowing, so winter was probably in full swing. Taking a closer look, I realized I was surrounded by pine trees. So alternate dimension Canada then? How's that for a new life eh?

But first, I need to get out of this snow! Seriously, it's freezing out here. Why did I end up in the north? Why couldn't I have woken up in somewhere warm? Was that too much to ask for? Well, whatever. I stood up and began to take stock of what I was wearing as I dusted the snow of my body. It was quite the interesting find.

I was wearing the same damn thing that stain glass me was wearing. I looked around a little bit and-ah ha! There she is! The black and red checkerboard fedora in all of its deuchebagness! I grabbed that sucker and put er' on. Ah, here's yet another important fact ladies and gentlemen. Body heat escapes through two exits. The feet, and the tippy-top of the head. So it's important to wear socks during winter, and maybe a sleeping cap if you feel like it.

Now, what time of the day is it? Oh…it's midnight. 'your journey will being in the dead of night' he said. Seems he was right. So, I'm out in an unknown location. No rations. No weapon to defend myself with. It's snowing. It's freaking cold. No civilization for what seems to be miles. And it's in the middle of night, the time when everyone's asleep. 'Your road won't be easy' indeed good sir.

Fuck. I'm off to a GREAT star here folks! Let's see how I can fuck it up. Welp. Only one thing you can do in this situation. Walk in one direction and hope to god you find something interesting. Because where there's something interesting, there's going to be people. Or animals. But hey, I'm just looking for something that's alive.

And with that, I began to spin around in circles. On the count of three, I stopped, an finger-gunned in the direction I stopped.

"Bingo." I said with a dashing smirk gracing my handsome features. "Not much of a gambler, but if now's a chance to ring in a favor form lady luck…well she owes me for the bullshit from before." I began with cheer, and ended with a murmur. Seriously, reminding myself about my death is just a way to get me depressed.

That fucking boar just gutted me and left me for dead. I bleed to death on a forest floor out in the boonies. What a way to go jackass.

And so I began to walk in one direction. Snow falling from the sky, as I had the sound of my black leather boots crunching against the snow for my only company. There was not a sound form any animals. Not a pitter patter of a wolves pants. Not a tweet or a twittle from a bird. I expected that considering it's nighttime and all but-

Was that the sound of an owl? Huh. Not the first time I've heard one, but this is definantly an odd time to hear one. Oddly enough that wasn't the only thing I heard out here. Every now and then I would hear the chirp or crick of an insect. What kind of bug made it's den in this freezing weather? Magic bugs? Scientific abominations? Seriously, where was I?

Man, Canada is weird.

I continued to walk for a while. I don't know how long it was, two? Three hours? It was long enough for the cold to really settle in. I could see my breath straight from the beginning, the moonlight helped with that. The damn full moon is the only reason that I can see anything really. I mean, the white of the snow is useful enough, but at the same time not really.

Regardless, it had been long enough for this fucking cold to make me actually think that my own breath was becoming ice crystals the moment it left my mouth. Seriously, if that pattern wasn't an ice crystal I'll be damned to having sex with a sky whale. Fucking sky whales…always coming by and eating our fuckin' airplanes, taking all our fucking jobs, and being really fat!

And with that nonsensical thought making me chuckle, I continued on. When in doubt, always think thoughts that can make you laugh. It helps the body somehow. I don't know how, all that I know is that people who laugh all the time get some kind of benefit. So that's what I like to do. Plus, it's some of the tension off of me, makes me a bit more lighthearted. Make a man laugh, and he'll be friendly to you, even if only slightly.

I wonder how late it is now? If my journey began in the middle of the night, wouldn't that be midnight? If so, how long will it be till daylight? And where the hell can I find some damn people to give me some directions? Having enough of nature's bullcrap and my own luck, I decide to hop over the log in front of me. Downed by either decay, or someone chopping it down, I don't know.

After falling down a small clef that was just past the downed log, and rubbing my sprained ankle, I began to climb up one of the pine trees. Branch by branch, getting pins stuck into my hair, clothes, and almost losing my douche hat. I will never lose my douche hat; it's too awesome to be lost. Twas' would be a crime against humanity if I lost me hat.

Climbing to the top of the pine tree I randomly chose was a good idea. And not just for getting a good idea of just where the hell I am in this snowy winter wonderland. The sight of the snowy forest with the moon shining down upon it was just downright breathtaking. I will repeat it, I am a guy that enjoys and loves nature. Not so much the things that live in it, but the scenes it can create hold a special place in my heart.

Try to picture it. A man sitting on top of a pine tree branch, staring out into the night. A full moon in the sky, casting it's guiding light onto the earth below, and illuminating the snow atop the trees for me to see. Now add the slowly falling ice crystals as they gently touch the ground. All of this is accompanied by the sound of owls and the occasional crick of a bug. How can anyone not enjoy an image like that? And here I am, living it! This new life is pretty good so far.

Well, minus the whole no supplies thing. As well as not knowing just where the hell I am. Now that I mention it I never did go through my pockets to see if I had anything in them…eh, may as well.

Let's see here…in outside pocket number one is…absolutely nothing. Yay. Let's try pocket number two and-YES! A knife! I'm not completely screwed! Well, let's see what else is in here eh? Pocket number three of the outside: nothing. Pocket number four: nothing.

Well shit, is the knife the only thing I have? I began to search through my inside pockets. From the inside we have…hello, what are you? It was a metallic, cylinder like thing. I began to fiddle around with it and…it's a telescope thing? I can't remember what their actually called, but it's a mini, portable telescope to see from large distances.

Next up on the list of pockets we have…a bag of gold coins? I can make out the color on them, and the shininess. There's a stamp design on them, like how a penny has what's his face on it. I can't make out the details, but it looks like the face of a woman with a kind smile. It looks familiar, but I can't make out the finer details. I'll put that on the bucket list of things that need to be looked into further.

Let's move on shall we? Next up is…a bag of something. I opened it up and took a sniff. I took one with the bag of gold coins as well, nothing came up. Well, to be accurate, I didn't take a sniff. I took a whiff. That's something that every lab junior learns, never full on sniff experimental chemicals. That's just inviting harmful shit into your body.

The scent I got was of herbs and such. So medicinal herbs? My sister was a nurse, and she did give me a few hints about first aid and such. And I do know a few things that you can do with regular plants and such. I know for a fact that if you get a burn that applying the part of a sliced tomato can help a little. That always came in handy…I miss my tomato plant. That guy always delivered with the juicy goodness.

I didn't find much else. I found a few vials with liquid in them. Crystal vials. How they hadn't broken yet I have not figured out. Those things looked, and felt fragile. But there was something about them that was just different…can't tell you what, but there was something weird about them. Something that made them better than the normal kind of crystal vials. The only other thing I found was a pair of fingerless gloves that I immediately put on.

Taking the short-scope I put it to use and began to survey the area around me. What I found was pleasantly surprising.

It would seem that I'm in hilly country, going by the way the forest seems to go up in down in certain places ad- huh. That would explain it. There's a mountain nearby. And it's not a lone one. There are multiple mountains. So I'm in the far north maybe? Well shit. I might just run into Vikings then. Banishing that thought from my mind like I was a wizard sending an evil spirit through the gates of hell, I continued to survey the area.

Something caught my eye. Off in the distance, on the mountain, there was a flickering light. A fire! Yes! Booyah! Fucking bingo! Other people! I'm not alone here!

That's good news. I'm not the only Bear Grills wanabe out here. Survival expert I am not. That said, what the hell are people doing way out here in the wilderness in the middle of what seems to be winter? People camping or something? Hiking and they got lost or something? Well whatever. The plan was to just go up to them, see if they spoke English. If not, then charade them and get them to show me a map of the world. From there I'll just walk my merry way away, and enjoy my new life.

Getting down from the damn tree was harder than I thought it would be. I almost slipped a few times due to the ice and snow on the tree. It was a pain in the ass, but I got down. Checked all my pockets to make sure that nothing had fallen out. Nothing did. I then fished out the knife I found in the front pocket of my coat.

It had a blade made for cutting. A sharp edge that did a magnificent job on a few sheets of ice. It had a leather grip wrapped around a metal handle. A small ruby was encrusted into it near the part where the handle and blade connected. It was designed kinda like a dagger now that I looked at it a bit harder…was this a knife made for combat? If so, right on.

Motherfuckers beware: I have a knife.

Congratulations me, you just graduated from not!dead person to street thug. Give yourself a pat on the back!

With my directions in mind, I set off for the mountain were I saw the flickering light. I was able to make out two little streams that were on the way from when I was atop the pine tree, but that was about it. With my destination in mind, and a renewed sense of hope, and a purpose to guide me, I made quick haste towards my goal.

It was when I was jogging through the snow with a smirk on my face that I began to notice something odd. Human footprints. Fresh too. Now, that would probably give me more hope, if not for one thing. I said they were human footprints because they were shaped like a human foot. Why was someone walking around barefoot?

I seem to be asking myself these kinds of questions a lot I've noticed.

But that wasn't the only thing I noticed. There were drops of blood in the footprints. Really dark blood, that seemed to glow a light purple. It wasn't bright enough to draw my attention to that fact. It was a really low glow that I could barely make it out. Suddenly I didn't feel safe anymore. Granted I probably shouldn't have, I am out in the wilderness at night in a place where wolves are. I've hear them howl every now and then in the past few hours.

In hindsight, I should have been **very afraid**.

I wasn't taking any chances. It was completely irrational, but I began to climb the nearest tree. I went about two five branches before pushing myself against the tree. With my black clothing I should blend in with the natural darkness. Nervously I took out my shorty-scope, and began to survey the ground area.

I almost dropped my scope when I saw those _**red eyes**_.

What the fuck was that!?

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?

 **HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS FOREST WITH ME!?**

Taking a deep breath I stopped myself from having a panic attack. I fought I knight to the death; I can do this…just what the hell was that thing? Those red eyes were too unnatural. They were like some kind of feral beast, something that attacked anything and everyone without thought.

It was like those eyes looked at everything they saw, and hated it all. Not exactly nice thoughts to have when that thing was only a couple of ten…maybe twenty yards away.

I couldn't make out the body, it was too dark. It looked like some kind of misty substance was cloaking it. All that I saw was the red eyes. Looking back through my shorty-scope, I began to look at where it was going.

It was a rather horrifying realization to see that it was following _my_ tracks. It wasn't looking up or straight in front of it. It was looking **down**. It was **hunting** me. It wanted to **kill** me. It was one thing to fight against something human, I can relate to them. But this thing…what the hell? Was it a monster? A demon out to get me because it knows this is my second life or something?

Call me paranoid. But I can't rule out **anything**.

Quickly I went into overdrive. Trying to think of what I could do about the **thing** following my tracks. And then the answer came to me quite swiftly. I put away the shorty-scope and pulled out my knife, and put it into a reverse grip.

My tracks lead to this tree. When that motherfucker got to where they ended…that's when I would strike. It would be my only shot. One blow, death from above. A knife to the head. I had to be silent though as I went a little further onto a branch. I had to be silent. My whole plan would fall apart the moment it saw me before I could lay waste to it.

I tightened my grip on my knife when I saw the glow of the **things** red eyes. Those things made me so scared for some reason. Primal fear of the unknown? I don't doubt it. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I could hear my own breathing even when I tried to clamp down on making any noise.

It's almost there now…

Five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

One…

NOW!

I jumped down, my dagger aiming for the back of it's head. I dind't yell. I didn't scream. I had the element of it not knowing I was here. It thought it was following me. But it heard me. It looked up just in time to see my dagger bury itself in its face. It screamed when I landed on top of it, but it couldn't push me off.

I pushed myself onto it, and pulled out my dagger, before plunging it back into it's screaming face. It was an inhuman scream, what that sounded like it's voice was distorted. It tried to push me off, but it couldn't. I kept on stabbing it, repeatedly. Again, and again.

I couldn't help myself. I yelled. I screamed at it as I murdered it. Again and again, I stabbed it in the face. Eventually it stopped fighting, and fell silent. But I was too hyped up on adrenaline. I kept on stabbing it. Until I realized that I was no longer even straddling a thrashing body, and my dagger was only making holes in the snow.

With a start, I began to look around: panic flooding me as I began to wonder of there were more of them. But it was for naught, I was alone. I had killed…whatever the thing was. There was no body, like it had evaporated or something. I couldn't care less. All that mattered to me was that I was alive, and not being hunted by some kind of monster.

When I tried to stand up, I noticed that my knee was pushing against something hard. I pulled myself up, and then kneeled down. There were clothes beneath me. Must be the leftovers from whatever it was that I killed…

But it was what I found that drew my attention. Grabbing a hold of it, I pulled it from it's scabbard, and stared at the iron sword in my hands.

My first thought was: 'I'm keeping this. My second thought was that this thing really was going to try and kill me. It had a weapon and everything. The clothing I could barely make out. They were caked in so much dirt, mud, and what seemed to be dried blood that I could barely make out what they were made of. Much less what they looked like. Especially in this lighting.

I took the things belt though, and tied it around my waist. I then took it's sword and tied it to the belt. I now had a sword on my hip that I could draw. Spoils of war motherfucker. I no longer had to rely on my badass little knife. Speaking of…

I pulled out the little guy and looked at it with a smirk on my face. I then stared into the ruby red jewel of the blade. I then spoke to it. The thing deserve a promotion. "I hereby christen you Sigmund, my last line of defense, and my first partner."

Was it me, or did the jewel on the dagger glow for a bit? Shaking my head, I then bent down, and used my victims dirty shirt to clean off the blood on Sigmund. From what I could tell, it was going to be a beautiful partnership.

It was then that I began to book it towards my destination. No way in hell was I going to be hunted in this forest. The sooner I get to civilization, the better.

* * *

 **Well, there's the end of this chapter. i'm going to try and avoid time skips in general. the FE world of my choosing is going to be detailed. I like to write about environments and how charachters interact with their surroundings and such. second chapter is already half done.**

 **as you can see, i did not give out his name. There is a reason for that. The guy's based on me, but there are differences. He also seems to have had a little power up at the beginning. don't worry, he will not be an overpowered gary-stu. he kinda needed that powerup to stand a chance. in a world full of magic, badassary, and people constantly trying to kill you, something to set you off for the beginning is needed. He's kinda like the jaigan archetype (i think that's how its spelled). incredibly useful at the beginning, but peters out when the midgame to endgame rolls around.**

 **Also, this guy will not have any magic. it's purely sword skills and his own smarts that's on his side. poor guy doesn't even know he's in a FE self insert yet. and yes, that death he went through? I almost kicked the bucket that way. Luckily, i did hear it coming and climbed up a tree. i was up there for two hours that day because that fucking boar wouldn't go away.**

 **and that was when I was thirteen. those were my adventure days.**

 **AND THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE!**

 **CUE THE AIRHORNS!**

 **BABABABWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**


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